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 Hi my name is Brandy. I'm new to this online journaling things… - when the lights go out for the very last time

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November 28th, 2007

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01:47 am
 Hi my name is Brandy. I'm new to this online journaling things so please forgive me while I get the hang of it. Besides being diagnosed 7 years ago with Bipolar Disorder, 2 years ago I was diagnosed with OCD. Though I have suffered with it for as long as I can remember. 

    I have an obssession with death and dying. I have daily thoughts that I or someone I know is going to die horribly in some way. My thoughts are very graphic and there was a time in my life that I could not distinguish thought from reality and sometimes I would actually think that something happened to someone I know and I would freak out. I continually tell people not to do things because I think they might get hurt. This really effects my children even though they know why I do it they still get mad when I wont let them do something that "I think" might hurt them. I have recently in the past 2 years developed a fear of riding in a car with people because I have convinced myself that they are going to kill us...
    I also have daily thoughts of specifically spraining my ankles or breaking them.  I sometimes can't walk for several minutes until I can convince myself that I am not going to do it. I avoid grass when ever possible for fear that I might step in a hole. I know it's ridiculous and that makes it even worse. Knowing and not being able to control yourself.
    I also clean my house like a meth addict. Once I start, I can't stop. I clean my house on and off the whole time I'm at home. I hardly ever sit more then 15 to 20 minutes. My family has to say something to me for me to even notice that I've been doing it. I brush my teeth on and off all day and sometimes 10 times in a row. I have a fear of bad breath. I over organize and have to put things in a certain order mostly tallest to shortest . I check the stove several times to see if I have turned the burners off because I'm afraid I'll burn the house down. I check the lock on the front door several times to make sure I have it locked  it securely. 
   I also have a sexual addiction. I am constantly thinking about it and when I can acting on it. I'm not promiscuous though because I am married. I am one of those people who turn everything someone says into something sexual. This is something that embarrasses me but I have very low impulse control when I speak mostly. It's so weird because one minute I'm thinking about death and the next I'm thinking about sex. These two things definitly interfer with my daily living.
   Well now I have written a novel and I apologize for that but it's just nice to know I'm not alone with the demons in my head. It's lonely and no one I know truely understands what I go through everyday besides my husband and even he can't comfort me always because he has never fought those demons himself.  Thanks ...........B

(5 comments | Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:November 28th, 2007 08:54 am (UTC)
Have you ever been depressed or been suicidal?
Date:November 29th, 2007 12:03 am (UTC)
I never knew what depression was until a few years ago. I have drastic mood swings and when I get depressed it can last for hours sometimes and days other times. I cry on and off and at the drop of a hat all the time. Most of the time I don't even know what I'm crying about. In the past year I have had suicidal thoughts but I don't think I would ever act on them since I have a fear of dying. But I have had a lot of things happen in my life in the past 2 years. I found out my son had a terminal illness that will definatly shorten his life span drastically and my husband has been recently sentence to 5 years in prison...So..Yeah
[User Picture]
Date:November 29th, 2007 08:38 am (UTC)
I suppose just about every human being on the face of this planet has thought about suicide one time or another, if they are unhappy.. *hugs*
Date:November 29th, 2007 12:06 am (UTC)
Ashlee the same question to you and if you do is that why you do the scratching or are you depressed because you can't control yourself?
[User Picture]
Date:January 29th, 2008 10:45 am (UTC)
I'm not depressed. I'm usually a happy person. :P
I've done some research into why I do it. I'm unaware that I am doing it most of the time and it's also some-what-of-a stress relief in some strange way.

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