November 28th, 2007
Hi my name is Brandy. I'm new to this online journaling things so please forgive me while I get the hang of it. Besides being diagnosed 7 years ago with Bipolar Disorder, 2 years ago I was diagnosed with OCD. Though I have suffered with it for as long as I can remember.
I have an obssession with death and dying. I have daily thoughts that I or someone I know is going to die horribly in some way. My thoughts are very graphic and there was a time in my life that I could not distinguish thought from reality and sometimes I would actually think that something happened to someone I know and I would freak out. I continually tell people not to do things because I think they might get hurt. This really effects my children even though they know why I do it they still get mad when I wont let them do something that "I think" might hurt them. I have recently in the past 2 years developed a fear of riding in a car with people because I have convinced myself that they are going to kill us...
I also have daily thoughts of specifically spraining my ankles or breaking them. I sometimes can't walk for several minutes until I can convince myself that I am not going to do it. I avoid grass when ever possible for fear that I might step in a hole. I know it's ridiculous and that makes it even worse. Knowing and not being able to control yourself.
I also clean my house like a meth addict. Once I start, I can't stop. I clean my house on and off the whole time I'm at home. I hardly ever sit more then 15 to 20 minutes. My family has to say something to me for me to even notice that I've been doing it. I brush my teeth on and off all day and sometimes 10 times in a row. I have a fear of bad breath. I over organize and have to put things in a certain order mostly tallest to shortest . I check the stove several times to see if I have turned the burners off because I'm afraid I'll burn the house down. I check the lock on the front door several times to make sure I have it locked it securely.
I also have a sexual addiction. I am constantly thinking about it and when I can acting on it. I'm not promiscuous though because I am married. I am one of those people who turn everything someone says into something sexual. This is something that embarrasses me but I have very low impulse control when I speak mostly. It's so weird because one minute I'm thinking about death and the next I'm thinking about sex. These two things definitly interfer with my daily living.
Well now I have written a novel and I apologize for that but it's just nice to know I'm not alone with the demons in my head. It's lonely and no one I know truely understands what I go through everyday besides my husband and even he can't comfort me always because he has never fought those demons himself. Thanks ...........B
Have you ever been depressed or been suicidal?
I never knew what depression was until a few years ago. I have drastic mood swings and when I get depressed it can last for hours sometimes and days other times. I cry on and off and at the drop of a hat all the time. Most of the time I don't even know what I'm crying about. In the past year I have had suicidal thoughts but I don't think I would ever act on them since I have a fear of dying. But I have had a lot of things happen in my life in the past 2 years. I found out my son had a terminal illness that will definatly shorten his life span drastically and my husband has been recently sentence to 5 years in prison...So..Yeah
I suppose just about every human being on the face of this planet has thought about suicide one time or another, if they are unhappy.. *hugs*
Ashlee the same question to you and if you do is that why you do the scratching or are you depressed because you can't control yourself?
I'm not depressed. I'm usually a happy person. :P
I've done some research into why I do it. I'm unaware that I am doing it most of the time and it's also some-what-of-a stress relief in some strange way.